Rantings of a Lunatic

Gone.. .. . .. ..

2008-02-06T16:36:00.001+08:00

My darling's gone, for 12 days no less.
And on the day she left.
I blundered and made such a mess.
Horrible I feel, deep beneath this machismo.
Tearing me inside, this clawing beast.
So now hear I sit, alone and at unease.
Wondering how my baby's doing, in a far away land
I miss her oh so deeply, without end or reprieve.
My sweet darling boo, my precious Eve.
Come back to me soon, for my love calls out to you.
For if life were to be without you,
then living would be without point as well.
Come back soon baby girl. . .
I'll wait till you return...
For I love you so much..
My fire within me for you will burn..
Forever and ever, till time immemorial. . .

What the..!!

2008-02-02T15:56:00.000+08:00

Today, I got stung by a freaking BEE!! What kinda idiotic clandestine encounter is that?!?! I mean, WHO really gets stung by a bee these days. Almost never!! I mean, you'd that once we wipe out their habitats these freakin' insects would leave us be! Damn it!! The lil' bugger should be paying me rent for breathing my air!! ARGH!! Ok, so I'm venting at a tiny insect and yes I maaaaay be overreacting. But consider this little fact and you might come to understand where all these frustrations are spawned from. Firstly, I was on the way for my jam session and for once I was early! As in, I didn't have to run, didn't have to rush, didn't have to panic! I was at my own pace, strolling to my bus stop talking to my love on the phone. It was all good! Then, I got freaking stung! I screamed into the phone. Hung up with my boo, then called my mom; told her I was stung. She panics, then I panic and rushed back home for mommy to heal my boo boo. I walk back, light headed as hell, tight in the chest and breathing heavily, walking unsteadily as if I was about to fall, face blanketed with perspiration, and I thought I wasn't going to make it. I swear, I felt so damn vulnerable. I hate that feeling! So mom advices that I head straight to the doctor, and my nicest of nice brother drove me there and accompanied me throughout. WOW! I have such a sweet brother. "Life threatening" situations bring out the best in people eh? hehehe.. So anyway, I get to the hospital, get told that it ain't serious and was made to wait for the damn doctor. During which I tell my brother that we should bail since it wasn't serious. But it was then that my brother shared with me the horror story mom told him. Apparently she or my dad had a friend who got stung by a bee. felt alright, ignored it and went about his day. Come night, with the sun setting on this part of the world. So did the friend. His life spark dimmed and shadowed and left this world just as the light had. Hearing this. I of course freaked. I mean, who would want to risk it?! I'm only 24! Many things to do and accomplished. Hells no I ain't gonna risk it. So i pestered a male nurse and got him to jump my queue. I got stung by a fucking bee! I ain't gonna wait!!! So he bumps me up quite a bit and before I knew it, I only had 2 buggers in front of me. Soon, it was my turn. I went in, told the good man what had happened; he checks my blood pressure, checks my airways for swelling, body for rashes and my point of contact between man and bee. Hehehe.. Ahem.. Anyhoos, so he sees me for 5 minutes and I get out of there. I head to the counter where I find out that I had to pay the freaking hosital 90 fucking dollars for 5 minutes of the doc's most FUCKING precious time! WHAT THE FUCK!!! So left without choice I had to pay up, I mean I can't run! They know where I live! They made sure before I saw the fucker. Smart peoples they are no? No wonder their so damn rich.. Siiiiiigh!!! So it was $90 down the drain.. I didn't even get drugs.. I mean, meds from him.. Sheesh.. Mom was kind enough to want to pay for it all, but I had a conscience and wouldn't allow it. So I paid half. Of which I spent on booze but I shall elaborate more in this entry...

So anyways, I head down to the studio, almost tempted to by cab, by bus and examine my hand intensely. Moments of numbing pain and irritation but nothing more. So I concluded my examination and cursed under my breath. I reached the studio and jammed the remaining 45 minutes that we had and left. We hung for a bit and I smoked as much as I could puff. What? I got stung by a bee! I deserve it! Heehhehehehehe..

Come 5.30pm, we part ways and I headed to Holland V for drinks with old friends; Luke, Mel, Saf and Alex. We had our dinner and caught up, it felt like a million years since we last had a decent conversation and it was a bit awkward at first simply because there was so much to ask but so little time to do it in. So we spent a bit of time picking questions in our heads, before long we were chatter boxes without a stopper. It was great times. . . Dinner ended and we proceeded to Walas for drinks and waited for Mel who came at a late late 9pm. To sum it up, it was a fantastic reunion of friends, great beer, lotsa cigarettes, banging music by a room shaking band. A note though, I love The Unexpected's, or shirline's, version of I will survive! Man! Tickled my silly!!!

Alas, all good things come to an end... We had a quick bite at Modestos, smokes some more and left at 4+am. All in all... Had a crappy start to the day... I blew my $50... And with bills to pay... Not smart... Arg!! To all ye tight budgeters.. Don't blow your cash on booze when you ain't got none!

Cheers!!!

Kenster

Of Triumphs and Disappointments

2008-01-30T01:27:00.000+08:00

Well, I've gotten a reply from Red Dawn today. Turns out they've already shortlisted their candidates for the opening. Sigh.. Can't really blame them, I was late for my writing test. 5 days late no less. But what really griped me was how I could've prevented all this by NOT going to my Hong Kong trip; which by the way was uneventful and disappointing. Its so disappointing that I'm not even going to waste time, energy and blog space talking about it. But I will say this, and heed this as a warning ye who decide to go on holiday by travel agency. DO NOT. And I stress. DO NOT, book your holidays via China Express Holidays! Omfg!! Their crap! And they speaka no engrish!! Infuriating! Sigh. *Breaths* But I shan't digress. Anyhoo, I emailed them a day after dateline and expressed my apologies profusely and "begged" they at least consider me and that I would submit my work by Monday; using the same amount of days allocated to me to hand in my stuff. And so I did. Albeit I kinda slacked here and there, but I worked through the night till about 5 am plus and through the next day. And I was really proud of my work! It was hard, but I felt a sense of pride of the process and result. I actually still had it in me to write! So I sent in my work smug and confident that I kicked their asses. But boy was I overconfident. The email shook me at my foundations, bringing back to reality. In the corporate world, I am but an insect that has to work his way up, evolving, before I can speak with clout. So once again, I'm a recruit. Lowest life form. Yet to earn his stripes before he can walk around freely and talk with the big guns. Ah yes. . . Nostalgic it does feel. Oh well . . . All in good time I suppose. God does have a plan for us all, and I hope he has a pleasant one for me. My Mom reminded me of something. Of my God and how I chose to be a Catholic and I should follow it through. I do have a habit of not following through. It annoys me but I still do it. Crap. I never learn. But I do make the effort, just have to be more consistent is all. God is kind and he is good no matter what my negative voice says. And aye, I shall make a commitment to my God. For He is my Lord God, merciful and forgiving, kind and benevolent. But he has a temper. That's why we've got Jesus. And I love him so. For saving our souls with his blood. Forgiving us of our sins. Yup. I should be more involved in church. I'll let you readers out there know my progress. If any. Hehehe. But I will make a resolute effort. :) PROMISE!!!

On a high note today! And this really lifted my spirits. ODEX. FUCK-EX. Lost its appeal to get the names of illegal downloaders today! I mean, this is a company that produces low quality shit. With Dubs that resemble that of China people trying to speak English! In fact, I think they actually hire dubbers that speaka engrish not so gooooood!! Fuck heads. I think they should be counter-sued for trying to use legalities to break privacy laws!! They should get a nice slamming in the press don't you think?! And I know for a fact that there was an outcry when ODEX tried its hand at making quick big bucks off 9 year olds. So to all those disgruntled people out there. Its time to shower them with piss and write in to the forums pages! You know where to go! Onward HO!!!!! DOWN WITH ODEX! DOWN WITH FUCK-EX!! DOWN WITH ODEX! Say it with me!! DOWN WITH ODEXXXXX!!!!

19 days of Agony...

2007-06-28T23:06:00.000+08:00

When two people fall in love, as deep as these two. This is how it looks like. Baby, I know now that I can't live without you. . .

Can I be any luckier?

My baby, My angel. I love you so! Can there be anyone that makes me as happy as you do? And to top it off, leave me with such a warm fuzzy feeling inside? I think not!!

HEE!!! Baby!! You're just too cute! SQUISH!!

Hours before departure. . . It was a sad moment. . . Sigh

With a Heavy Heart, we attempted to smile and cheer up. The face that never fails to perk me up. I'm nothing without her now. I love you!!! I simply can't say it enough!!

Sigh... Words cannot begin to describe nor do justice to the internal turmoil I've experienced, and perhaps even my precious Eve. Goodness me, I've missed her crazy and I can't seem to get her out of my mind for even a second. Sometimes, during work, I'd have this crazy urge to throw it all aside, rob someone and fly on down to Jakarta just so I can be with my one and only love. Sigh... Baby, if you're reading this; I've missed you badly, horribly, terribly, inexplicably, torridly!!! Oh my word!! I love you sweetheart! And I can't wait for you're landing tomorrow night!! And after that its only a few hours separating our reunion again!! I know its only been 19 days, in fact I can't believe its only been 19 days!! It feels almost like an eternity!! I know I've been extremely selfish with how I feel and my demands during these past 19 days, but I simply couldn't help myself! God, I think you're the first to have made me feel this way!! Its driving me almost insane!! Sigh... Baby, all I can say that could only scratch the surface and remotely express how I feel inside, for the lack of a better form of expression limited by linguistics and NVC modes and structures. . . Baby, sweetheart, sweetie, Love of My Life, Wife-to-be. I Love you. Truly I do. And when I hold you, please forgive me if I don't let go. Because I really don't want to lose you. Irregardless of the situation. Baby, I simply CAN'T fathom life without you now. . . Ok, I'm beginning to see how disjointed this post is now. But Its how it is inside!! And honestly, I don't care. 'Cause the only thing that matters now is, baby. I love you. And I know you love me. Sweetheart. Would you be willing. To spend the rest of your life with me? I know there's a chance you won't be reading this. And it is kinda impersonal the way I'm asking (rest assured though that this will not be the only way I'll be asking, nor the last), but baby. Truly, would you? I love you. . . From within the deepest depths of my heart. Aku Sayang Kamu. Sekali Sekali. -Ivah- -I Love You- With infinite love- -Kenny-

2007-05-16T00:48:00.000+08:00

I feel ugly. I am ugly.

A Good Day Relished

2007-05-14T01:07:00.000+08:00

Today I sincerely say, has been a darn good day. Nothing special in particular happened, but being able to spend my day with baby somehow seems to always be special.

I was supposed to wake up early today for church but as usual, I woke up late! Heh. Baby and I had a good conversation that unfortunately led to a slight disagreement, which I didn't regret at all. Strange you might think, but through yesterday night's dialogue we gained a better understanding of each other's temperament and set standards of moderation. More importantly, I realized that I was on a perpetual teacher mode; going into details about every little thing or subject matter, but ignorant was I that I somehow didn't register the fact that no one wants to be taught 24/7!! And because of my unsuspecting habits, I exasperated baby. SORRY!! Heh. Okay, I've digressed once again! Hahaha, moving on with the plot of things - - -

I woke up at 9am because I promised baby that I would give her a wake up call, which I did but to my surprise baby was already awake! Heh, apparently the fruits she ate yesterday delivered the desired effect at the desired time of awakening! Haha, what a coincidence! Poor baby though, 5 hours of sleep or perhaps less and she had to prepare and off herself to work till 3pm. Surviving on lack of sleep and food she stood her own and persevered with me till late! But I digress again! Haha! Well after I hung up the phone, I of course proceeded back to sleep till about 1pm. I had my lunch and watched anime whilst I waited for baby to call me or message me on what time she was getting off and what the plan was. She called at around 3pm and so we planned to meet at her place, half an hour and I jetted myself out of the house.

Now here's where I made a trivial but nonetheless interesting observation, to me perhaps but well its my blog and I could careless about nay-sayers! Hehe! - - - On the way to the bus stop, I passed an elderly man and his parrot. What's so interesting you ask? Well the old man was passed out and soundly asleep on the bench with his head lying on the container of bird feed. While he slumbered his parrot perched itself on the bench opposite to his, unchained to his place of temporary residence but free to move or fly away at any time of its choosing. But instead, it rooted itself and stayed with its master, watching over him while he slept; as if guarding him acting as a sort of a protector. Now, bird's have been known to have small brains, but for this one to display such behaviour is truly interesting don't you think? Well, I found it quite so I thought I'd ramble about it some. Hehe. . . Anyway, moving on. I met baby at her place but not before a smoke at our usual place. She met me there of course with the same intent of smoking, and here's where it got a bit nerve racking. As we headed back into her house, her maid was closing the door. Smelling of cigarettes she halted her and we thus proceeded in (part 1), part 2 was that when we entered we were greeted by her brother!! Oh my goodness! Smelling of cigarettes baby greeted her brother briefly and rushed into her room lest the scent of burnt tobacco whiffed into the nostrils of her brother. As she did this, I distracted him with conversation. But it got interesting and we found ourselves conversing with no end in sight. Baby surprised me when she came out all decked out and beautiful for I thought we were staying home to watch "Full House". Little did I know, the message that I had received during my conversation with her brother was from her telling me that we should go out instead of staying home since her brother was home. So to cut a long story short, we headed off but but before missing the lift 4 times because I was busy engaged in an interesting dialogue regarding investments with her brother.

AAAAaaaaaanyway! I suggested we headed to church first for I missed it in the morning and I really wanted to go, for a few reasons. To start finding my faith again, quietening the demons in my heart and thus finding peace, and also to say a few words of prayers for my grandmama in church. She agreed with such goodness in her heart that I wanted to hug her. Heh. . We went to the Cathedral of the Good Shepard and attended mass. Poor tired and hungry baby who hadn't had breakfast and lunch surviving on a measly piece bread braved it out even though she wasn't Catholic nor intended to attend church that day. All for me. . . THANK YOU BABY!! LOVE!! Anyway, we decided that after church that we would pig out a a BBQ Steamboat place near Parkway Parade for we, She more, were starving! So after mass, we headed down to the east. In the bus, she apparently touched some poor old man with a severe skin problem and was a tad freaked but she soon got over it. We arrived at Parkway and tracked our way to the place baby mentioned. We got a little confused at first but after asking for directions we found it. Looking at the items they were offering, our appetites got a bit turned off for it was beyond appealing. I suggested this place I saw at East Coast Park when we were there last which looked pretty good from what I had remembered. She agreed and seconds after, we were off! Hungry but enjoying the sea breeze and atmosphere, we strolled towards our destination. Now this place was A LOT more appetite whetting as their displayed meats and food items were simply delectable! And to add icing on the cake, it was only $12.90+ and free flow of ice-cream! The deal was cemented!! Dinner time had finally arrived, and well. Not needing to go into details (for my pigging habits were disgusting), we hungrily wolfed down 4-5 plates of food that was filled to a small mound, eggs, noodles and ice-cream! YUM!!!!!

Now this was the part I really enjoyed, not to say that the rest weren't enjoyable. It was really, thoroughly and completely lovely. But this part had sentimental value. Wanting to digest our food some and enjoy a stick of cigarette, we strolled to the beach where we sat, smoked, talked and enjoyed each other's company under the blanket of stars of which we similarly admired. We didn't have a lot of time to spend there as it was getting late, but during that short duration we had. It was really enjoyable, and our laughing and chatting just was.. Indescribable. And all this with the sound of waves lapping on the shore. It was just, fantastic. Words can't really explained how I felt!! I want more!!! Heh, but sadly all good things must alas come to an end, and we thus had to leave. I sent baby to the City Hall bus stop and thence parted ways. Sigh. Today was excellent, and I wish for more times such as today. Although it was simple, it was thoroughly enjoyable. That's what I love about being with baby love; for even though no extravagance was employed, we always find a way to exploit our environment or even just each other's company. And in the end, have tonnes of fun and laughs. Hehe. . Love you baby . . . May more good times come our way. MUACH!!! Kisses!!

2007-05-10T02:02:00.000+08:00

Today, I've been an absolute arse. I cannot believe how incredibly rude, mean and fucked up, for the lack of a better word, I've been to baby. It was uncalled for, immature, and well fucked up!! Sorry baby. Even though you've forgiven me, I can't bring myself to forgive myself. I'll eternally remember my transgressions, I'll strive to make up for my mistakes. I promise! But really, you've been so understanding and forgiving, and I've been such an arse so frequently nowadays its quite worrying. I guess I still have some demons within me that I've yet to quell, perhaps instead of resisting and fighting them I should embrace them, make them a part of me and accept them. Sigh, its sad that I have something so precious but yet because of my fears and my insecurities I push her away. I promise that I'll come to terms with it soon. . . Sigh . . . I'm feeling very lost and confused, can't really think now . . . the only thing I have in my mind is one word: Sorry. I'm sorry baby, I really am. I pray that soon, I can move on from here and be someone that can walk and stand tall without pulling back. Sigh. . . well. . . here's a sombre wanderer, signing out . . .

Checklist of Love

2007-05-08T01:42:00.000+08:00

How does one know when their in love? Its an almost ritualistic and mundane question. But really, how does one know? Here's my check list that tells me:

1) when my heart flutters and races when I see her, or when I'm with her

2) when my heart slows and hastens rhythmically when we're in deep loving embrace

3) when nothing in the world can tear us apart when we're kissing, and nothing else matters

4) when we're apart and she's with friends and I'm at work or where ever, I check my phone every five seconds for her message

5)when I'm feeling down, just looking at her picture or hearing her voice on the phone, or when I'm with her and she smiles with such sincerity; all sorrows and dull feelings melt away, and in its stead and wave of joy and a warm fuzzy feeling fills the void

6) the smell of her hair, her touch on my skin, and the warmth of her breath on my face drives me wild

7) when she says I love you, or calls me baby or darling, though few and far between, I feel in turn loved and am filled with such euphoria that my heart becomes impervious to hurt or injury

8) hearing her voice when I wake up, and just before sleeping puts me in such ease and comfort that none can rip this calm away from me

9) when staring into her eyes, I get lost; twirling in a limbo of love

10) when she laughs, no matter how hysterically, it never fails to put a smile on my face

11) every waking moment, she's constantly in my mind. Unable to shake it off, nor divert my thoughts away

12) she's the only one I want to be with, to have by my side

. . . well this is what I have for now. Heh, if more comes to mind it'll definitely appear here :)

Nothing extravagant really, but its true to how I feel. And all these, my baby makes me feel. I love you so much Eve.

Sunday Rantings

2007-05-07T00:45:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was the burial of my dearest Mama, the closing of the curtain to one of my life's lost precious gift. Never again can we chance our gazes to the most wonderful person we've grown up knowing and loving. Into the blessed ground her mortal body, with soil acting as a loving hug that won't let go, the grass and plant life that would soon grow upon her grave signifying life with death. But what comforts the groans in our hearts is knowing that her eternal spiritual body would reside with the Lord. A place far better than anything this plane could hope to offer, with this knowledge we can rest easier. A wave of catharsis was felt, a sense of closure relieves our aching hearts, but tears of sorrow were shed nevertheless, but with it were also tears of joy in knowing that she no longer has to suffer in her terrestrial vessel. After the procession, we headed back to the chapel where the wake was held, recovering slowly from our sombre moods to normality and engaging in non-serious banter and chatter; almost as if subconsciously trying to soothe our pains and lift each other's spirits, and well it worked, even my Aunt who took it the hardest regained lucidity after the torturous ordeal and soon after we prepared ourselves to leave.

After the funeral, my parents or rather my brother gave me a ride to baby's place. Their still unconvinced of our relationship though I haven't exactly put much effort in convincing them; perhaps subconsciously I don't want to, an impossibility this is not heh. Arriving at baby love's place I find her still in her room and not prepared to leave it even with my arrival. Initially I thought she hadn't bathed yet, but soon found out that she was vomiting her lunch due to the potent drinking of the night before at the club; her ruffled and unkempt hair, and distressed face reiterated this notion. I have to admit, what happened to baby the previous night was quite shocking and well upsetting - I don't see the need to elaborate on this - but well we're not perfect, I make mistakes just as grave as she does so it isn't something that needs or should be dwelled upon. The important thing and somewhat ironic thing is that, through this experience I realizes and felt an almost concrete confirmation of how much baby really means to me. Because of that night I've realized how much I can't bear to lose her and how I really want to spend my remaining days with her. Melodramatic and somewhat exaggerated this sounds I realize but it is nonetheless the truth. She means the world to me, and my love from all the experiences we've had till has grown by immeasurable depths. Anyway, I digress.

That day till night at her place, we talked and compromised about that night. And contemplated inwardly our actions, and our feelings toward each other. We spent the better part of the day in each other's arms, at that point nothing could be more perfect, nothing as extravagant, nor special. Inside, the significance of it was in tumultuous magnitudes. This is how I want to feel and spend the rest of my life. To have someone I can love inexplicable heights, to embrace her, to grow old with, still hand in hand, head on shoulder, and arm in arm. Happiness truly does come n small packages, and with her. I believe strongly I can be happy. Its a gut feelings, and on such matters, its normally right. Well, I don't want to fall into being too emotional but this is truly how I feel. I know its too early to say, or feel this way to such extents, but it is how I feel after all and believe you me, I am not lying nor exaggerating. It is simply an honest confession of my beating heart.

When things spiral. . . somewhat down. . . An Ode to Grand-mama

2007-05-05T01:42:00.000+08:00

The state of mind I'm in right now is one that is somewhat lacking sound clarity. My emotions and thoughts can be described as being in a tornado, dragging up debris and hurling it where ever. I don't exactly know what I'm feeling nor thinking really, but all I know is that I am in a pretty emotional and confused state of being. The reason? Well, my beloved grandmother whom I hold dear to me recently passed away. I found out on Wednesday and since then it's been a roller-coaster ride. I cried on Wednesday with my sobbing brother by my side. Much regrets have been felt, much remorse have been experienced. It was bitter sweet really as my MaMa, as we (the cousins) all affectionately addressed, lived a long and fruitful life. No doubt she struggled in her earlier days with war approaching, poverty being the life then and with all that having to bring up eleven children while working. She was a strong woman, a prideful woman, and above all. A loving, caring and giving mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother. I will always remember her at family gatherings, a feeling of complacency and taking for granted I regret now stirs within me, I never took the time to even attempt to spend more time by her side talking to her or even just having my presence felt around her. I will miss her deeply, but I thank the Lord that He gave her a happy, peaceful and quiet passing. She has been blessed till her deathbed with joyful memories as well as the love of her children, grandchildren as well as great-grandchildren. We respected her, and loved her deeply. Tears we had to hold back, most of the time unsuccessful, during the wake. Upon hearing the news most of us sobbed and were thrown into a mood of sorrow. But she's in a better place now, a place void of suffering, pain and sadness. There she can watch over us still, but without worry, always enveloped in light and blessings. She is in Heaven now, and I hope that I'm able to live a life worthy of joining her, to be able to touch her hand and hold it. To hug her and to call her MaMa once more. But alas, for now all we can do is live out our lives the best we can. MaMa, I love you. . . I hope that at least before your passing, you could feel my love for you however brief I might have shown it. You are the best grandmother anyone can ask for, and I will never forget you. How you would call out my name, how my gifts and ang paos always bore the words "from grandma". The times I spent when I was little at Normanton Park, you looking after me and my cousins. Oh how fun and wonderful those times were. But no more will there be new memories to be made. Henceforth we can only relish in times past, and elation felt. You will be missed my loving MaMa, may your rest be peaceful, and joy may you be filled with in Heaven with our Lord.

To add, my precious classmates and friends made the effort to pay their respects and for that. I love them all, and they will be cherished. . .

Things to check in my book of "Things I'll Miss"

2007-04-26T02:29:00.000+08:00

Well, I wasn't able to bring myself in entering a post yesterday because I was (a) too darn tired, (b) a tad high and (c) I wanted to talk to baby more than I wanted to make a blog entry so yea, the choice to make was clear; talk to baby then SLEEP!! Heh, but yesterday was a pretty awesome day! I headed to school at around 130pm to meet Chow Chow and baby love to hang out some while doing what's left of our modules. Submitted an essay for our journ module and stayed in room 02-02 in school; man am I going to miss that place. . . it holds so many memories, for a brief period in time last semester our SW team spent almost everyday gruelling over our script but having so much fun in the process as well! Much laughter, insanity and whackiness took place there as we grew that much closer. It was also then that i got a lot closer to baby love, and I found myself attracted to her as i knew more. Fate perhaps made it so, for I was within a hair close from being in Chow Chow's group instead of the one I was in. I mean it was such an unlikely combination of people, it was basically (then, bear in mind) Shalini and Sandhya whom I was closer to then and then Ivah and Ama joined in, people whom I don't really talk to nor know very well. We were in totally different social groups, cliques if you may, but yet I got so much closer to them (with the except of Sandhya whom I found a tad repulsive by module end), ever since then it has been an uphill ride of which I enjoy and am still enjoying till now! Aaaanyway, moving away from historics; I digressed. Sometime midway through working on our assignments, well okay I wasn't exactly working on anything, Abhi called and asked me out for beer with his hostel mate. Seeing as how I was flat broke I rejected but he convincingly persuaded me into joining him bringing baby love and Ama, of course it was rather easy when free beer was being offered!! Heh Heh Heh!! Anyway, we joined Abhi and his friend Neil who turned out to be rather pleasant and we had tonnes of laughs, not to mention beer, and food to boot! - I SO gotta buy him beer before he leaves - So anyway, I was supposed to be back for dinner and initially planned to leave by 8pm, unfortunately when the beer get flowing my backside got stuck to the seat! Heh, who could blame me?? Anyone would've done the same in my position, or at least for reasons of suppressing guilt I'd like to believe anyone would have, Heh. So at 10pm I decided to call it quits before i get an earful when I got back home, so I left with baby and Ama. I sent them to their bus stops and waited till their buses arrived, this of course presented us with a perfect opportunity to cam-whore, which we did! So that was how it ended, a good night of communion with friends, over my favourite beverage, with kick-ass mates, and of course it wouldn't have been as awesome if my baby love wasn't there. . At home, i plonked myself in the couch for some gaming to "de-stress" from "no-stress", showered, ate the two leftover slices that my brother and sis-in-law so kindly left for me -YUM!! - and talked to baby till my eyelids could take no more. Bliss. Simple, yet oh so contented. Ah but that was yesterday. Today however, baby with a stroke of bad fortune lost her media text for a module we're taking for analysis. And on top of that, she had already finished analyzing the text the night before and was relieved and excited to start on our other module. So when I arrived at baby's place she was pretty upset, seeing this my heart wrenched and decided to, in a last ditch effort, to help search her house one more time after she had already with frail hope that I could locate the elusive Zocard (her media text). I failed unfortunately and felt helpless and weak as baby, in frustration, shed tears. I was devastated inside knowing I could do nothing to alleviate her pain, so I just sat in silence and helped her in analyzing another media text as best I could. Useless. That's what I am. . Sigh. . . Rusty and Ama came over shortly after I gobbled my as baby worked on her analysis, this kinda lifted her mood some I observed and was pretty relieved that at least they could achieve what I could not do. If I couldn't, I'd give anything to anyone to see baby smile once more. Rusty was tonnes of help as she did for me almost my whole web design!!! I love her for that man! I suck at html and web production nonsense in secondary school, and it has NOT changed now!! Plus, it's too damn tedious and troublesome! I'd take essays any time! But then again, at this present moment with my state of mine. . ZzzZzzzZZzzz!! I'll pass. Heh. Anywayz, we worked on our web production assignment till 9 plus, with dinner in between as I walked to Newton food centre amidst a beautiful lighting dance in the sky, and cool, clean smelling, and autumn like winds. It was a lovely walk, a refreshing and worth while even though it rained as I was heading back. But I didn't exactly mind. I was able to feed my baby and that's what I want to do till the drawing of my last breath. Because she's worth it, and I love her oh so much. It's funny but everytime I'm around, it doesn't matter what we're doing, but I feel simply fantastic inside just having her near with her sweet smelling scent lingering in the air. I can't help but want to reach out and hug her, kiss her on her head, or even better, on those nectar laced, soft and luscious lips. Oh, how I'm an addict to them, never able to get enough. Sigh . . . I wasn't even able to hug her today, but I'll live, for tomorrow I get to once more see her again. I can't get enough!!! And I don't want to wake up any day knowing I can't find myself lost in her entrancing eyes. Well, if i go on. . . chances are I won't stop, so here's me ending this entry as my stomach growls signalling that it's time I slept lest my hunger grows and I suffer the pangs of the melting of my stomach lining. . . *Fingers crossed* I just hope I get to dream of baby love, so our time apart would be reduced for even in my unconsciousness, I'll be able to stroke her lovely face and feel her warm embrace. Aight then. . . it's "Z" catching time. To all, or one that read my blog. . . Ciaooooo~~~

The feeling of being burnt out. . .

2007-04-24T03:28:00.000+08:00

It's 4 am and I'm finally done with my MREP essay!! Goodness me, it was a little harder than I had anticipated but I'm just glad that it's over and done with; albeit I overshot the word limit 2 folds probably, I shudder at the number thus I refused to count it till later heh. But in any case, I had good company!! I had baby by my side once again, providing comfort and lucidity whilst we slogged away once again. We had our little moments of fun throughout which made the process bearable. I just hoped I was more help than distraction, for I couldn't help but want to hug my baby love!! Hehe. . . I bought dinner at newton for the both of us, not being able to fend off our hunger, finally at around 10 pm! I had a huge packet of duck rice while baby had a small but pretty adequate portion of Hokkien Mee!! While we relished in our meal, we took the opportunity to de-stress and relax a bit from the arduous essay writing process. Whilst we ate, we watched "Friends", our all time favourite comedy!! Oh how we laughed! Heh, I laughed so hard at several point throughout almost choking on either my food or the water I stupidly decided to drink. Helluva funny comedy + food/water = bad idea!! Haha! But the highlight of the evening was being able to steal a few moments, void of the glare from the maid, to hug and cuddle while laughing our arses off! It was such a beautiful feeling I swear, I wished it would never end. . . But alas, we got caught somewhat once or twice by the maid but it kinda added an element of excitement and thrill on top of feelings of comfort and content. Our embrace thus was cut short and we resumed our normal, platonic positions (sad!). We finished up watching at around 12 which was my cue to vacate her house and dash for my last bus lest I be stranded with staying at her place not being an option. So alas, I got home at around 1240 am showered and all that before proceeding to finish up my work. It took longer than expected, but I had sweet conversations with baby midway through which alleviated some of the stress; this helped tonnes as I as able to clear my mind and write more comprehensively, what would I do without her. And right before I started on this entry she called again, or rather called after I left a missed call. But nonetheless it set the mood for entry writing and SLEEP! However, forgiveness must be short for this rather short entry for my brain is fried and no longer can I effectively employ the use of semantics and all that. So thus with heavy eyelids, a numb mind and lethargic body and soul. I bid my invisible (and perhaps non-existent readers) a good night! Ta!~~~

Cathartic Sunday

2007-04-23T00:46:00.000+08:00

I never knew happiness till now

Hehe, Makeover by The Wonderful . . The Spectacular. . EVE!!

Today. . . Was undeniably one of the best days ever, even though nothing much was done! Why one may ask. Well then allow me to elaborate! My day started early in the morning of 1030 am, upon gaining consciousness I immediately called baby to give her a wake up call for we had planned to have brekkie the day before. So that in itself made my day already, being able to hear her lovely, near angelic voice - with a seemingly blessed ability in soothing and calming my nerves - when i woke up; it was literally the first thing i heard when I opened, ok half opened, my eyes! Oh mon dieu! It was simply magnifíque! Met baby at Far East where we had our brekkie at burger king. I swear, the burgers are gettin smaller!! I gobbled mine down with little effort, and so did baby with her croissant! Anyhoo, we then proceeded to baby's house where, due to my distracted laziness and in ability to work without first slacking, we watched four episodes of Friends!! Baby and my favourite comedy series!! Good grief! We laughed so hard!! No matter how many times i watch Friends, it never fails to make me laugh till I piss my pants! (Ok slight exaggeration) I even laughed till I cried in one of the episodes! Chandler Bing is my ALL time favourite character on Friends, hell, I'M Chandler Bing and I'm not afraid to say it! Hahaha!! AAAnnnnnyyyhhhooooo, after watching all four episodes we, reluctantly (more on my part), started on our essays. A couple of hours into slaving away at our lappies and notes, baby's brother comes out of his room, chatted with us for a bit and headed out leaving us alone! MY WORD! I oh so love spending time alone with my baby love, the lack of prying eyes and regulatory watchers which allowed for free reign on expressing our (my) emotions and were hence able to just be intimate and loving for that short allowed time of freedom. We embraced and relished in each other's company (don't get ahead of me now!), and simply enjoyed being with each other without having to worry about the people around us. We were in a sense, one, with no external forces imposing self- enforces inter-repelling reactions pertaining to closeness and behaviour. During this time however, no work what-so-ever was done, which wasn't much of a problem for we made it up (somewhat) with intensive grinding into our text when her maid came back from her outing to Tanjong Katong. Work got easier as it went along, but I was longing oh so hungrily for Eve's touch once more; being able to hold her hand can be equated to laying hands on immortality, or the philosopher's stone, or anything equivalent in value. She's priceless . . . As we slogged, while stealing any opportunity I can to hold her hand , kiss her shoulder or smell her heavenly smelling hair, dinner time approached. Hunger took over as we could no longer wait for the KFC dinner we had ordered earlier, starving and unable to concentrate (I couldn't to begin with, what with such a perfect creation on God beside me), we darted towards the food that was on the table, prepared earlier by baby's maid. As if like we were in a satirical play, our KFC arrived and our rushing to heat up the food to munch on before it came was either in good timing or bad. Nonetheless, we practically ate two dinners chowing down on the dinner her maid prepared and the KFC we ordered. It was bliss, my stomach was filled, my hunger sated, and best of all I did all that with baby by my side. What more can a man want?? We proceeded on with our work but by then I was in no mood nor condition to work on my essay. I was stoned, cathartic and satisfied beyond human comprehension, and so I just sat there with eyes glazed and vision blurring. staring at the screen. Restlessness soon caught on for both baby and I, and we soon found ourselves frolicking in humour and laughing at something trite and trivial and almost seemingly at nothing at all. It didn't matter though, because I got to see baby's most lovely and sincere smile and laughter, and seeing that earnest joy in her eyes in the quaintest of situations and places just made my heart melt. I can't stand it, why is she so perfect. Sigh. . . We camwhored and baby did a makeover on my hair. It looked pretty good actually if I might say so myself, if only i wasn't so darn ugly! Oh well, we can't all be perfect, and I fall waaaaaay under on the perfection scale. Sigh . . . The only redeeming grace I've received perhaps is baby's recognition of my existence and her willingness to shower me with affection. I love her so much for that. :) We headed back to work, but that wasn't productive for me neither so i gave up, packed my stuff and helped baby a bit in her essay. 11 pm came and i decided it was time I stopped distracting baby and left for home where I would take a power nap and start again at 4 am (hopefully!!) and finish it before the sun came up. And so thus here I am, writing this entry whilst waiting for baby's call before I sleep; if I don't I'll probably toss and turn and wreck my bed as a result. . . . And what a coincidence! Baby must've heard my thoughts for she just called as I was writing that last bit! Alright then! It seems my heavy eyelids can shut and rest now! Gotta jet, essays to write in a couple of hours time!! Till my next rant, au revoire!! A Biento!! Bonnuit!

Saturday Night Rantings

2007-04-22T00:56:00.000+08:00

Well, its 12.57am and Eve isn't home. Not that I mind her going out late but she hasn't told me where she went after karaoke and well i guess its just worry really. But well, I'm not her keeper so it's not my place to criticise or reprimand. I just hope she's safe and she had fun is all. :) Well today was a non-event, went to the library did my horrid research and went home for two dinners. Yup, you heard me folks! TWO!! I had a big bowl of macaroni followed by black pepper steak from the coffee-shop in my estate. YUM!! Scolded my nephew a lot today though, felt bad but he really is getting rather out of hand. I guess he's just at that uber hyperactive and mischievous age but throwing stuff and hitting my mom for no reason is unforgivable. My brother got so pissed off he even locked him in the storeroom for a good minute. Ironically even with his cries and pleas to be let out, he didn't actually cry! Could it be that he's been desensitized to it? If so then he's one ballzy kid. It's good, and bad at the same time; I shudder to think how he's gonna grow up, thus discipline is definitely a must. Although I normally disapprove of such methodologies of discipline, sometimes the rod must be employed. Sigh. . . I'm currently rather distracted in my post for reason of worry for Eve so readers, who ever you are out there if you exist at all. Do forgive my incoherence and disjointedness that may be. Anyway, I did however make some pretty interesting observations on my way back home in the bus. Funny how even though Singapore may be a place where non-activity is commonplace, if one opens their horizons to the most common and everyday of events and people one can gather quite a bit of rather " mind-candy" (for the lack of a better term). First, at the bus stop on the way back I saw a Samuel L. Jackson lookalike! Yes you read me right! He was probably just as tall but only a Malay version. His was even bald and wore a cap like him! (or was I reading too much into it? No matter) His facial features, minus his skin colour, was almost an exact duplication! Secondly, I take back all my brazen comments and perceptions that the Singapore government's media messages and efforts were ineffective. Although it still has a long way to go with regards to it's coutesy campaigns (yes you heard me, we STILL haven't gotten the message!!), pertaining to social regulation, manipulation, conformity and influence in attitudinal behaviours and reactionary functionalities they've definitely gotten the point across to us. for example, the green seats are reserved for the elderly in buses, and there was one when I was in the bus and even though it was packed no one sat on it (save for one elderly lady). I may be presumptuous to accredit the government for such mannerisms and common sense but with strong enforcement in the moulding of social moralities and values, through scare tactics and intelligent authoritarian/totalitarian semiotics and representations, I can't pass up the theory nor notion that they didn't have a hand in making us think and act the way we do. Moving on before I get all political and after getting tracked down by the government, have to register my blog as a political one and henceforth be regulated, I shall proceed on in transcribing my trivial (and hopefully relevant) observations. Another point in case I'd like to voice out is that of the damn Moove Media's cows campaign. It's every-bloody-where! The way I see it, it's just an attempt in off-setting the impact and significance of the "white-elephants" that were placed outside the still closed Buangkok NEL station. In an effort to suppress and quieten public consciousness and collectivity in social opinions and outcries, they placed these damn cows everywhere so that the white-elephant becomes just another cow losing its intrinsic characteristics of silent protest. It no longer represents nor signifies an opinion or a voice, but is stripped of its contextual properties and message and reduced to just chipboard and shape. Sad how easily, for the first time in a loooong time that a massive and intelligent, not to mention creative public-protest medium, was shut down and eradicated of meaning. Interesting fact to note though is that Moove media is owned by Comfort-Delgro, a corporation of which the government has its grubby hands in. Thus, can a connection be made?? I think so! But alas as I've said before, I have to remain non-political for fears of being shut down, arrested and hauled to jail hence I digress. Heh. . Another interesting observation I made is these damn Beatles with the brand "Red-Bull" covering every inch of it (there are two of them)! Are they sponsored by them? If so, why are they always parked at the SGH carpark? (I pass it everyday to school) Is it publicity and "free" advertising or did these cheeky owners, who love the drink so much, they decided to adorn their cars with the brand? Would they be liable for copyright infringement or is the company perhaps overjoyed that someone took the liberty in aiding them in bringing the brand mobile/everywhere? Are they a damn PR campaign? If only I had the patience to camp out at their cars and question them, but alas I have no such qualities for such trivialities. So to close, all these just means either I am damn bo liao or I'm a damn smart chap. Heh, either way it filled up blog space I could care less. About damn time I start writing all these stupid thoughts in my head lest i go insane with the cacophony of unimportant "theories". Well, baby called me!! She's home safe and eating her yummy maggie mee now so I'm a cathartic, and now somewhat hungry chap! Heh, off I go now to wait for her call! Here's me, signing out! Ta!!

Of Days Come, And Days Gone

2007-04-21T03:43:00.000+08:00

Ah, the much dreaded day has finally come and gone. The last day of school!! oh my goodness, I never knew I could miss school so much! Well, perhaps it was the people in my class more but the familiar sights, sounds and surroundings indeed played a part. We didn't spend much quality time together because of class, but it felt so wrong not to have spent more!!! We didn't exactly make a big deal of it, perhaps it was because we still had assignments to do and it didn't feel like it was the last day of school. But it was!! Sigh!!!! We took a group photo together though and when i looked back on it I felt so damn EMO!!!! Arg, I'm definitely going to miss hanging out with them and being in the same class as them exchanging thoughts, views and humour. But all good things comes to an end i guess. Sigh. . . I went to the Kaplan campus after school with Eng Hee, Sharon and Rachel and I must say that it was a BEAUTIFUL campus. The facilities, the outlook and presentation was lovely! But too bad, it was only 16 contact hours per term! Four hours per day, three days per term! What the hell! If only it was longer, then it'd really cement my decision. But if I'm going to have them for classmates then I'm so there! Good to have familiar people there, especially when I get along with them so well! Headed to the library after and met baby with the rest of my babes and Sean. I must say, Sean's really changed this semester. I might even say I enjoy his company! Something I thought I'd NEVER say!! But when baby made a slight joke about not loving me my over-sensitivity kicked in and i was all down and emo. i got over it somewhat though and met up with baby at her bus stop, after which I sent her home where we talked and I told her what i felt and how it affected me. She's so understanding and sweet and I just find myself loving her more and more. I don't think I can love someone else after her. She's almost like the most perfect person, for me!!! Well, not only me of course; she's like perfect. Sigh, how did I get so lucky. I just hope and pray everything would work out and I'll find myself with her, loving her and her loving me back, in open declaration and it being official. Soon. I can only hope and pray for now. But she does indeed need time seeing as how it's still too soon. And I believe the wait is worth it, and I oh so do want to be with her. My angel, my light in the dark, my Eve. Loving you more and more with each passing minute, with the rising of the sun and pinnacle of the moon. Sigh. . . Well, its four am and its damn well past my bed-time. Heh, old men need sleep. Off I go. SO yea, another rant for another day. ZZZzzzzzz

On a day such as this

2007-04-20T01:58:00.000+08:00

Today started rather disappointingly as baby wasn't able to make it over in time and obligations of researching and not wanting baby to feel uneasy about not doing anything for our essay, i decided to forgo having a possibly splendid alone time with her in the creature comforts of my home with movies as entertainment and dragged my arse down to the library. We did some work, well I kinda did while baby worked on her WP and decided to heck it and watch " Wild Hogs" instead. It was one hell of a funny show man!! Haha!! I had my apprehensions about it but once it started, the laughter just rolled out on a red carpet, laughing so hard that i almost spat out the popcorn that was in my mouth. John Travolta i must say has not lost his touch in acting, be it comedy or serious roles! The same can be said about Tim Allen, and funniest (in a gay way) is the computer programmer guy, i can't remember his name but he acted in "Pleasant Ville". After the movie, baby and I headed to her house where we went through our essays and started our blogs; and hence this post and everything else was born! I wasn't in a particularly talking mood today though, maybe it was because I slept too much and was stoned out of my mind. Or it was simply because i wasn't too chatty. I don't know. Heh, but later after i got home baby and I chatted on the phone and the words flowed like Niagara Falls. I always enjoy talking to baby, and she never fails to end my night with a content and sincerely blissful smile. We got a bit emo though as we talked about how school was ending and how we'd miss the times spent in school and not to mention more importantly the great people we've met along the way; our classmates have been nothing short of awesome and i feel so blessed to have met them. The dudes. the babes. May we never lose touch of each other no matter where we are!! I'm even going to miss the times spent stressing and researching over our essays! More importantly, I'm going to miss the certainty of meeting baby everyday because of school. So I'm praying that when work starts for me and school starts again for her, everything will still work out. Sigh, so much to say, so little words to express it in; indeed we are bounds within our limitations of language and expressions. But to my baby love. I feel truly fortunate and blessed, like heaven sent you are like an angel turned mortal, a gift bestowed unto me from God. Love ya loads!! :)

In the Beginning

2007-04-19T21:57:00.000+08:00

. . . there was me. . . and there was Him . . . and then He created Her for me. . . Eve her name was. . . and her smile I love . . . her eyes i get lost in . . . and her laughter I can never forget . . . My humble beginnings henceforth began with her . . . and I am but an incarnation of the joy she has heretofore brought me . . . to my precious . . . you are to me right now . . . my everything